This is my wish . . .

I've been inspired to write my own quote or is it a poem? Not sure. :) I honestly would love for someone to write something like this for me as well. I really don't require a lot. All I want is someone to want me and need me as much as I try to be for them. Deep down, I think we all long for that. This is my wish . . .

A garden full of weeds and thorns is all I've seen, until there was you.
You're this beautiful, unique flower standing out above the rest,
Just waiting to be picked.
Only someone who can nurture you and preserve your beauty
Is worthy enough to grow beside you . . .
Am I your Gardner? Can I grow beside you?

Things are looking up for me.

I have been blessed the past 5 months to have a family that took me in when I had nowhere else to go. However, I am very independent and need to be able to be independent. I have never liked answering to anyone. If I want to go somewhere on a whim, I will. I don't need anybody to know where I am at all times. If I need somebody, I'll call. I've been like that since I can remember. My mom expressed her love for me, right before I left. She apologized for not saying it sooner. Little does she realize that I already knew. I know better than to expect her to show her love. She really doesn't know how. She never has been able to express herself emotionally toward my brothers and I. Sometimes she breaks down and can, but she's mostly too concerned about other things. She doesn't like to talk about certain things, so I won't talk about those things with her if I can help it. I love her, but to keep the peace, I'll do just that: keep the peace by avoiding touchy subjects. Anywho, this post is rather random-like. I'm just wanting to express the random things I've been feeling lately. I need to write it down because I think the stress of keeping it all bottled up inside has taken a toll on me. I've had migraine headaches so bad that they have kept me from sleeping throughout the night. I wake up in a panic, not knowing where I am. It's scary when you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest because of how fast it's beating. I am definitely going to need to do some stress-relief exercises.

So, I'm in the new apartment that I have been wanting to move in since signing the lease way back in May. That day has finally arrived and I am loving it. Of course, it's only been a little less than a month, but I can feel things getting better one step at a time. It's slowly starting to look like mine. :)

I am talking to someone right now that I can be myself with. I don't have to worry about being used by this person, because she has her priorities straight and a career she's successful in as well as the potential for growth. She's an amazing listener and friend. So far, friendship is all there is. Developing a friendship first is important to me with any potential partner because it builds a foundation for a relationship that could possibly be forever. I don't really like to talk about forever with someone though. It's best to keep things simple and to just be there for one another day by day. I don't want to go a day without talking to her. I don't want to go a day without hearing her voice. It's nice to have someone in my life that makes me smile, even when they're not around. It's the small things that can make life worth living. I wasn't looking for anybody, but somehow, here she is. When we talk, I find I can tell her anything, like we've known each other for years. I look forward to the day we finally meet face to face. Until then, one step at a time. :)

What may seem small can make a huge impact.

I believe others come into our lives to inspire us. They inspire us to dream bigger, smile more, and live as if we're walking amongst angels. Some believe we do, some don't. Either way, you can't deny the beauty that is within all of us that is not necessarily of this world. I am grateful to have what may seem small to most, make a large impact on my day. Some may text me to say they're thinking of me, and others who are having a horrible day need me to put a smile back on their beautiful face. Either way, those small things can truly help make that day a lot brighter than it started out as. It's things like that, that make life worth far more than that coffee in the morning, or that thought of dread to get through the day. Things that inspire us truly change our view on influences that just might steer us into despair. I am here to also inspire others just as much, if not more so than they inspire me. If everybody woke up each day longing to help make someone else's day better, how amazing would the world be? I'm not breathing unless I'm interacting with someone I can influence in a positive way. There are things that happen that may dim our light through life for a small moment. When we least expect it, that dimness can fade away when a total stranger smiles at you, or a friend messages you, out of the blue, for whatever reason to say they missed you. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And School Begins Again. . .

Yesterday was the first day of school. That would explain why I couldn't sleep much the night before. I swear my subconscious has been kicking in overtime lately. It's going to be a tough semester already, in my drawing class alone. It's a 500 level drawing class. I am excited about it though because I really love to draw and I've been wanting to improve my conceptual skills more so than just my basic knowledge of drawing. I've never been good at just drawing from my head. I've always had to take others' ideas and manipulate them to my idea. Mind you, that's still a skill because some can't draw at all. However, I want to be able to just sit down anywhere and draw with nothing but my imagination. Who knows, maybe I'll never get there, but at least I'll try to figure out if I have the ability to.

Today, I just got back from my Beginning Sculpture class. This should be an interesting class as well. It helps I've had this professor before, so I know that I am going to be able to think outside the box because he will seriously force it on you. Honestly, that's what we should do. His goal is to create individual artists out of us, so I embrace anything he offers in order for me to do just that. This class will definitely coincide with my drawing class as far as honing in on my conceptual skills. I'll be working with both 3D and 2D aspects of things, so it will broaden my horizons so-to-speak. It should be entertaining, to say the least.

I will eventually be able to figure out what I want to do with my artistic abilities. I have so many different medias I like to dabble with; however, it's important to be specific when it comes to conveying who you are as an artist. Are you a sculpture? Are you a painter? Are you a graphic designer? I can't answer any of that right now. I want to, but I can't. What I can answer is, "Yes, I am an artist who's trying to find myself."

And it begins. . . the journey in finding myself.

Friends Come and Go (or hide)

My thoughts on being a true friend are quite traditional. The "golden rule" as most would call it, is the basic fundamentals of a true friendship. Without the use of "thees" and "thous", it's simply: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Simple right?

Apparently, it's not as simple as it should be. I recently lost a friend who was kind of lost. She didn't really know what she wanted and had recently lost her job, so her whole world was upside-down. I was the only one close enough to be able to help. Her relationship was quite complicated, to say the least, so she naturally leaned on me. We became best friends. We told each other everything, did everything together, and could be ourselves together. It was incredible and at the perfect time, too. I recently went through a break-up and was still going through the ups and downs a breakup causes emotionally.

Of course, when you least expect it, things get more complicated. One night, we become closer and start opening up on a deeper level. We didn't realize how deep the other could be. After that day, was much confusion. So much confusion, that this friend of mine decides she has to tell me that she has developed feelings for me.

That moment when you realize your happy world comes to an extreme HALT! She doesn't know what to do because she has feelings for me, but PROBLEM!!! She is with someone else. At this point, I tell her I have feelings for her, but I know now that those were just feelings of friendship. My intentions were to just be the friend that I knew how to be for her. She took it further by breaking up with her fiance and kissing me. Of course, I was confused and before things got out of hand, I left to leave her alone with the dilemma she was in. After all, it was her decision to make as to whether or not she should marry this girl, date other people (me included), or just be alone. I wrote her an email to let her know that I wasn't at all ready to be in a committed relationship and that I personally felt she should be on her own and wait until she had more stability.

The next day, she let me know that her decision was to be alone and that it was important that she think about what she wanted. I agreed and was honestly relieved. I didn't want to break anybody's heart and I didn't want to lose the friendship. Well, she asks me to come over and hang out, so I did. Of course, it was awkward! It was more her making it awkward, then me making it awkward. I was over it. I just wanted to continue to be her friend. Apparently, she had other things in mind. She kisses me again and I had to stop it before it went too far, AGAIN! At this point, I knew things had taken a turn. I'm not sure why she had to tell me that the feelings she has for her fiance far surpasses the feelings she has for me. It's not like I wanted to go further than friendship. I really didn't. Who kissed who?

After that, she decided to block my email and phone number and cut me out of her life completely. She sent an email, pretty much blaming me for the reason it went too far, when she knows better. I rejected her. After all that happened, I tried to send several messages on Facebook to tell her she had hurt me, but I'm pretty sure it was pointless. And unfortunately, someone else thought those messages were for them and decided I was crazy and deleted me. Obviously, some people are way too full of it to think that EVERYTHING I post on Facebook is about them. SERIOUSLY? This world does not revolve around you? I am so much better off not having either of them in my life.

When you find yourself making friends with the wrong people, take a step back and really think about what it is that you're doing. What can you get out of this friendship? Heartache and pain? Or happiness and support? It is your choice on what you are willing to give or give up. Don't ever give up.

Pessimism is so unattractive.

I consider myself quite the catch. I'm in no way trying to sit here and say I don't have flaws. I still have a lot to learn as far as relationships are concerned, however, anyone who knows me, knows that I am the full package. So, rather than trying so damn hard to find someone worth the effort, I'm not going to bother. I'm done pursuing anybody. If you want me, come and get me. It shouldn't be like pulling teeth to try and appeal to somebody. I am accepting of others' flaws. I try my darndest to focus on the good in people, unless you give me a reason to make you aware of unnecessary negativity that can make or break the slightest chance in hell you have with me. I do not find pessimistic attitudes attractive. Life is too short and too awesome to focus on the negative ALL the time. It's not that hard to see the good in people or the good in a bad situation. It's not candy-coating a bad situation by pointing out the good things, it's overcoming the bad. As simple as that is, it is what it is. Rather than wallowing in your misery, surround yourself with people who can influence you to think outside your miserable, Debbie-Downer, box. It's okay to be spontaneous, to let loose, and LIVE no matter your circumstances. You can't control everything! It's impossible.

A Gift Worth Giving

"When I give, I give myself." - Walt Whitman

I find that I do that too often. I give, give, give until there's nothing else left to give, until I break. I break into a million pieces and all I have to show for is those pieces that are left on the ground, scattered for all to stomp on. I'll continue to be that way though. I'd rather be too kind than cruel. Unfortunately, there are some things one must do in order to avoid being something they're not. I don't want to be some bitter person always afraid to trust and always afraid of what people will do to them. I still want to have that attitude that sees the good in people, no matter what their life has given them the moment I've met them. I want to wake up and know I've done nothing wrong to anybody and that I tried. I tried daily to be my best and my best is always good enough for me. It should also be good enough for whomever I've touched that day. I know we have the ability to touch lives for good or bad and I seriously hope my giving nature can give nothing but good things. I strive to be that for someone. I strive to give a stranger an uplifting simple smile that they weren't expecting. In return, I hope the simple things like a child's laughter can make me smile and feel humble to the beauty there is in something that simple. It is the small, simple things in life that can make the difference and that is what I pay attention to.

Just a few thoughts I've had this morning. Not sure why the mood change, but there it is. I'm hopeful my heart has an overabundance of love to give, so much that even when I'm in a bad mood it will shine through. I still try to keep an open mind and an optimistic heart even when I don't want to. I am human after all.

Does loving unconditionally exist?

What does loving unconditionally even mean? How can you say you love me if you can't accept me? I can't share my life unconditionally with you because you don't want to hear it. "It's a choice you've made," you say. I am so sick of hearing, "Being gay is a choice." It is not a choice, nor has it EVER been a choice. It is WHO I AM and I was born this way. Genetically speaking, some of my cousins, my uncle, and my own brother is GAY. It is not a choice.

If you're straight and think being gay is a choice, let me ask you something?

When did you realize you were straight? Did you ever make the concrete decision to be straight? Do you wake up every day and have to make the decision to step out the door and only be attracted to the opposite sex? Silly, right?

With the ongoing fight that is fought every minute of every day by an individual that is gay, why would we choose to be ridiculed, spit on, bullied? Why would I choose to be something that causes my family to question who I am? My heart has taken a beating by finally accepting who I am. However, it is the best non-choice I have made. This choice was not to be gay, rather I have chosen to be me.

I am gay (a lesbian). I have not been open about it for very long. I have only had one girlfriend, but that lasted three years. In that three years, I've been out with my parents and co-workers, but was pretty much sheltered in that relationship from the outside gay communities that are out there. More or less, my gf didn't live a very open life when it came to her sexuality. She rarely showed any affection to me in public. I didn't have any friends that were gay, and I had not attended any of the pride events. Honestly, it still felt like I was in the closet on so many different levels. It wasn't until I became single that I was really out of the closet. I am finally free to go to LGBT events. I am able to be friends with others just like me. Most importantly, I can be me.

I have found that in the LGBT community, I have finally felt what it is like to be loved without judgement. They are going through the same things I'm going through, so they know ridicule. They know what it's like for their parents to give them the looks of disappointment and disapproval. They understand that the love their parents feel for them is conditional. It truly is conditional. Whether they care to admit it or not, they are picking and choosing what to love and not love about you. By doing so, they are putting a limit to their love. They may not see it that way, but I can't help but feel it to be true. So, is there really such a thing as unconditional love? I don't know. I'm not sure I believe there is.

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little? for all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn." - Sylvia Plath

Own up to your mistakes

"People are so quick to judge others' faults, but never quick to point out their own."

First of all, I am in NO way perfect, nor do I ever claim to be. I'm real and choose to be, because really that's a lot easier than having to lie to somebody over and over again until you've forgotten the truth. Being blunt has always gotten me in trouble. That's fine by me! I would rather upset someone because I was honest to them, rather than see the pain in their eyes because I lied to them. What's important to me is that I can sleep at night knowing I did nothing wrong. That's one comfortable good night's rest, I'd say! :)

What it boils down to, is if you're honest you're less likely to continually look upon others and try to focus on what you can do to fix your faults. If you step down from your pedestal and realize everybody walks on the same ground you do, no higher nor lower, you can begin to understand that we all have issues. Overcoming our faults and growing from mistakes we've made is really all we can do. Recognition is far more important than judgement. Burning bridges along the way is no way to live your life. You can constantly blame others for your actions, but in the end you know the truth. You know that you're just as much to blame, if not more so, than the other people you're blaming. My point really, is that if you don't want to be alone, I suggest you mend those hearts you've crushed, build those bridges burned, and love unconditionally without blame. I try to see the good in people, even when they've burned bridge after bridge with me, I'm still going to love them and be there for them. I understand that nobody's perfect and I accept that. Can you?

To be or not to be. . .

I've been thinking a lot lately about true friends and not so true friends. I've always been the type that cares about my friends by seeing if they're doing ok, giving them comfort, and just spending time with them (to most who know me know I don't have a lot of time to spend). However, when I need comfort, just a phone call, or simple hi, how are you? I don't get it. I really don't require much. All I want is to be thought of. The worst feeling is not being lonely, but being forgotten by someone you would never forget. I'm not a selfish person, but it feels horrible to be somebody's go to when everybody else is taken. I want to be the first person you think of when you need somebody. I've proven that I'm loyal haven't I? If not, tell me so I can fix it.

I find it interesting how everyone is finally noticing me, only after I point out that I'm being ignored. I'm tired of the egos, the bullshit, and selfishness. I'm tired of my so-called friends ignoring or just plain forgetting me. Do you really care? Do you? I seriously doubt it and it will take a lot of convincing for me to believe you. I don't trust anyone right now with my heart. I don't even trust myself. This roller coaster of emotions right now has me seeing red. I can't see why I'm not important enough to want to hang out with, talk to, or just say hi to. Apparently I don't fit into anybody's busy schedule and I should just forget trying. I'm no longer going to be the one reaching out. If you want me, come and get me. I'm done. I can't take the torment anymore. The torment of needing and wanting somebody that doesn't want me. Show me or go away and never return. I don't need anyone if they're just going to be a constant disappointment. In order to feel wanted, you need to want in return. It's a two way street. All this one-sided bullshit is just that: BULLSHIT!

Communication is key to relationships. One may talk more than the other, but if one doesn't talk at all, there's nothing to go off of. There's nobody on the other line to laugh with, to cry with, or to grow in friendship with. Nothing but a conversation with myself. I can make myself laugh, but no man is an island. That won't last long for me to truly be content. God put people on this earth to be together and to compliment each other. We need not forget that. Too many have though and are so blinded by self-satisfaction they forget they can be satisfied by the person staring back at them. They don't need for things. I have a lot to give as just a friend. I really do. I'm confident in knowing I'm the best friend a person can have. I'm loyal and protective. I'm kind and honest. I am selfless and caring. I'm not saying all of this to brag or boast. I'm saying it to point out my qualities. I'm rare. You can ask the friends I've had for ten plus years. They've been through ups and downs with me. They still know that no matter what, I'll always care about them and always think of them.

I refuse, from this day forward to be with you and be forgotten. After all, I used to be lonely. I'm more than that now and choose to be alone rather than fighting for your friendship.(I'm posting it today, but this was originally written Monday. I'm less pissy about it today.)

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

I love cheesy pick up lines. I thought I'd share them. :)

Can you give me directions to your heart?
I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Do you believe in love at first sight... or should I walk by you again?

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?

Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

I'd ask you for a light, but you've already lit my fire.

I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.

You look like a girl who has heard every pick up line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

That sweater looks nice on you but it would look nicer crumpled up beside my bed.

Excuse me is your last name Gillette? ...because you are the best a man can get!

Your lips are kinda wrinkled. Mind if I press them?

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.

Please be patient - this is my first time.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?

Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your bed rock!

Is your dad a thief or something? Because someone stole the stars and put them into your eyes!

I’ve heard sex is a killer. Want to die happy?

Excuse me, but I’m new in town, can I have directions to your place?

Can I buy you a drink – or would you just prefer the five bucks?

I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

I wish I were a tear so i could start in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

You must be the reason for global warming because you’re hot.

You know what would look great on you? Me.

Can I read your T shirt in brail?

Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

I think I need to call heaven because they’ve lost one of their angels.

Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I’m here after.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

The body is made up of 90% water and I’m thirsty.

Baby you must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night!

Are you an overdue book? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you!

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice- can I get your number?

I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?

That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

You know, winning the lottery doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.

What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper. (GROSS)

If you were a new sandwich at McDonalds, you’d be called McGorgeous.

Can I even get a fake number?

You’ll do.

Okay, I think that's enough. You get the gist. LOL. Love 'em all!

Karma's a bitch

You may have had more "experiences" in numbers, but I learn from my experiences the first time and each time after that. I will grow and move forward from things, whereas you'll continue on the path of destruction.

This Too, Shall Pass

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

When I am negative and thinking the lowest of myself, it's quotes like these that can inspire me to get over whatever anguish that is causing my negativity. I know that my soul is in the midst of suffering and that only through that suffering can I find the strength within me to shine. I am blessed to have good people help me through my sufferings and will forever be grateful. I know that it is time for me to move on and find my place. I will keep what I've learned with me always and smile, knowing that I am a good enough person to deserve that kind of kindness of strangers. 

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

Lifehouse - Broken

Boys Like Girls- Two Is Better Than One (OFFICIAL)

Kate Voegele-No Good

Positive Thinking is More Healthy

"Go ahead and look at yourself in the mirror. Go on and do it now—we'll wait. Now, instead of letting your gaze go straight to your trouble spots (you know you do it!), focus your attention on your favorite features. Maybe it's your lips, your delicate clavicle, or even those well-earned smile lines around your eyes. Now imagine you could feel great about your entire body. OK, imagination time is over. Because you can feel more beautiful" — Dr. Oz, The Biggest Loser

It's amazing how much we, as women, do to look beautiful on the outside; however, it's more important how we look on the inside. It's more important how we feel about ourselves on the inside. We need to exercise our thought processes. We need to look in the mirror and find our good qualities so that our focus isn't wavered on working on the things we need to improve. If all we look at are the negative things, then we'll have failed before we even started.

Character Building

"We are builders of our own characters. We have different positions, spheres, capacities, privileges, different work to do in the world, different temporal fabrics to raise; but we are all alike in this, -- all are architects of fate."

I love this quote. We all are striving to be the best we can be, if not it reflects on our character. Who we become is based on how we treat others and how we choose to act on things.

"Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live, as well as strong to think."

This quote truly hits home with me. I have always felt that what we think is truly who we are and what we sometimes do is what we choose rather than face the consequences for what it is we really feel. It takes courage to be who you really are. I'm finally realizing I have that courage and have always had it. I can't forget anymore who I am and who I want others to see. "I am lovely, just the way that I am." - Sara Haze (singer/songwriter)

Sara Haze - "Lovely" - Illinois Wesleyan University, Sept. 22, 2010

Coldplay - Fix You

Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

Howie Day - Collide

Keane - Somewhere Only We Know

I enjoy each and every day I'm able to grow and move on from hardships. I'm a true believer that people come and go in our lives for a reason. Of course, we never completely understand that reason fully at the time. However, that first initial recognition helps things along the way because if we go by blindly, things pass us by so fast we're left wondering what could have been had we payed attention.

Live Your Own Life

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs
 

Relationships That Are True

"Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends."

I love how true this is. Sometimes people are put into our lives for short-term or long-term. Either way, we can have a connection that's so distinct it's as if we've known each other our whole lives. I think I was given a gift to truly feel that connection. Not  everybody can see, nor can they comprehend such a magical connection. I always search for those type of connections and embrace it. The rest don't stick and that's where I move on. It's a waste of time to give yourself completely to someone who could care less.

Contemplating Life and My Future

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do once I graduate. Do I want to work in advertising? Or somewhere else? I've even thought about doing my own comic strip or maybe becoming a tattoo artist. It's going to be interesting to see what I come up with. I just try to keep myself busy with projects here and there. I've been drawing things for my co-workers and friends. A tattoo here, a logo there. It's fun. Right now I'm taking a photography class and I must say, it is challenging. The results I come up with will make it all worth it. I only have a little bit longer to go until I graduate. My adviser estimates Fall 2013. WOW! It's so close I can taste it.