End of the semester

I never thought this semester would end, but it finally has. I definitely learned a lot about art. I also discovered that I really enjoy working with the computer creating things. It's also fun just grabbing a pencil and sketching away, but there's more you can do with creating on a computer.

Another media I have come to love is charcoal. Wow, it's amazing what black and white charcoal can create. I created this beautiful rose with black and white charcoal on a blue mi tenses paper. It's awesome. It is posted to the right. Let me know what you think.

This semester was tough. I was constantly busy unable to spend time for myself and my friends. However, it paid off when I received my report card. Straight A's baby! I was very happy. Now that it's over, it's time to celebrate the holidays. I have many Christmas parties I've already been to that have helped me unwind from the school daze. I'll definitely enjoy these 2 weeks off.

A Powerful Reformation - Essay

This is an essay I had to write in a class on a favorite poem of mine called Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath. Here's the poem in case you've never read it. Below the poem will be my paper.

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap my hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

Sylvia Plath’s “Lady Lazarus,” A Powerful Reformation

Suicide is the act of taking one’s own life, a choice a person makes to end his or her perceived suffering. When someone makes a decision to end his or her life, it is natural for people to assume the responsibility of preventing that act. However, everyone has a right to make personal choices, regardless of whether society deems it appropriate or not. No one should be forced to forfeit the right to choose. Whether suicide is right or wrong is not important, nor is that the focus of my discussion; however, I want to clarify that suicide is a choice of the one attempting it. Suicidal attempts fail and leave the speaker in Sylvia Plath’s “Lady Lazarus” powerless against her enemies, giving her the desire to break the cycle of failure, to claim control over her own choices and the strength to thwart the actions of her so-called rescuers by transforming into a more powerful being.

It is made apparent that the speaker is miserable because of the references to the Holocaust. She compares her “skin” to a “Nazi lampshade,” her “right foot/A paperweight,” and her face “a featureless, fine/Jew linen” (5-8). Plath lived during World War II and the Holocaust, so she uses these symbols as a way to exemplify the torture the speaker feels by comparing it to the pain Holocaust victims underwent. Plath also uses the German language as a symbol of the anger the speaker feels toward her so-called rescuers. Almost immediately after hearing mention of a Nazi, I think about the torture that political entity put the Jews and other minority groups through. Plath does an excellent job of creating that comparison for her readers to relate to the speaker’s anguish. Plath even goes as far as using the German language to title God and Satan, “Herr God, Herr Lucifer/Beware/Beware” (79). This form of address is a way to show the speaker’s anger toward them for allowing her so-called saviors to succeed in saving her from herself. It is universally accepted that through God we live or die, so Plath uses Him as a reference to symbolize His interference into the speaker’s attempts at suicide, as well as her other so-called rescuers.

The speaker says that she is about to attempt her third suicide. She expresses her longing for the grave.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me
And I a smiling woman. (16-19)

She thinks she’ll be happier in the grave than living a life that makes her miserable. She even compares herself to a cat, saying, “And like the cat I have nine times to die” (21). I think Plath uses that symbol to evoke a hint of humor that the speaker thinks, like the proverbial cat, that it may take “nine times” for the cycle to end before she can accomplish her will to die (21). The speaker sees her attempts as a waste, “What a trash/To annihilate each decade,” because “Herr Doktor” keeps bringing her back to “the same place” to have to start over, to live her miserable life once again (23-24, 53, 65).

The first two times, people who see it as their duty to sustain life rather than letting it go bring her back to resume that life that she obviously finds so unbearable. These self-appointed saviors cause her to relinquish the control she thought she had of her own life and her choice to die.

It’s the theatrical
Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:
‘A miracle!’
That knocks me out. (51-56)

The speaker expresses frustration that she has to continue living the same life. What others perceive as “’A miracle,’” she sees as regrettable, a confirmation that her attempt was unsuccessful.

The speaker feels as if she is an experimental dummy. The doctors keep bringing her back to life to test their skills, and the speaker is exasperated. It is starting to become an expensive experiment for her with, I would assume, all those doctor bills piling up, so she feels that she should start charging them if they want to continue to stifle her efforts. She states, “And there is a charge, a very large charge/For a word or a touch/Or a bit of blood” (61-63). She is sick and tired of being poked and prodded and wants to be left alone.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby
That melts to a shriek. (67-70)

She plays God in trying to end her life, and her rescuers play God in trying to resurrect it. Their purposes collide, allowing the vicious cycle that she bemoans to continue.

The speaker begins to gain power when she starts to believe that dying is something she does “exceptionally well” (45). It is as if she no longer does it to remove herself from her torturous life, but rather to turn it around to use it against those who keep saving her when she doesn’t want to be saved.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I’ve a call. (43-48)

She explains that most of the reasons she attempts suicide are to end the torture. However, at this point in the poem, she does it to feel “real,” and to break away from the cycle of failed attempts at something she obviously cannot attain (47). I see the speaker beginning to think that dying has become a power she has that may be something she is meant to do. A calling is usually referred to as something having to do with those close to God who are called to serve Him. It is not necessarily a call from God; however, it could be a call to power. She feels she can no longer make it through phase after phase of being brought back again and again, so she must find a way to rise above it.

Finally, her third attempt completes her suicide; however, rather than dying, she becomes a phoenix. “Out of the ash/I rise with my red hair/And I eat men like air” (82-84). A phoenix is a mythical bird that burns itself on a funeral pyre, rises from its ashes in the freshness of youth, and lives through another cycle of life. The speaker is no longer under the control of “Herr Doktor” or “Herr enemy,” and cannot be their experiment anymore (65, 66). She is a powerful being that burns away the flesh and bones to start over fresh again. Without the flesh and bones, there is nothing to analyze nor to “poke and stir” (74). She has been renewed after suffering through a power struggle to gain control over her life. She has broken from the bonds that tied her down and can now breathe new life, giving her the satisfaction of seeking revenge on those who held her back. This important symbol that Plath uses in having the speaker “rise” from “out of the ash” places great detail on the transformation the speaker must go through in order to overcome the adversity keeping her from her desires (82, 83). The speaker has to first recognize what causes the never-ending torment before she can start to change it.

The failure the speaker has to undergo leads her to a powerful reformation that strengthens the weakest points that entangle her. She becomes a phoenix, a significantly powerful creature, which affords her the might to seize control over her own choices. She warns her so-called saviors to “Beware/Beware/Out of the ash/I rise with my red hair/And eat men like air” (82-84). Air sustains life, so, with her new-found strength, she consumes her enemies for her sustenance, rather than her torment. Even though she will still have to continue to cycle through life, this time it will be she who controls it.

Because I Could Not Stop for Death - Essay

Another essay I wrote for a class. This time it is Emily Dickinson's 712 also known as Because I Could Not Stop for Death. Here's the poem for those of you who don't know it.

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school,
where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.

We paused before house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

Emily Dickinson’s No. 712: Death, a Kindly Gentleman

How can death be a kindly gentleman? Death represents the ending of life on this earth. Death is sometimes thought of as the final state of existence, and it is accompanied by tears of sorrow, torment, or pain. The one who is dying is not ready to leave this world, so there is mourning, grief, and sometimes very ambiguous feelings. As mortality passes, will there be an eternity? Why is one not prepared to die? Is it because of fear that one’s perception is not of a time without end? Can a life with this perception truly accept death as it comes? Where society would view Death as an uninvited visitor, the speaker in Emily Dickinson’s “712” personifies Death as a welcomed guest.

“Because I could not stop for Death/He kindly stopped for me” suggests that the speaker is accompanied by a gentleman named Death (1, 2). The speaker here is unaware that Death is coming because she is quite busy with her daily routine, so Death seeks her. Where it states, “The Carriage held by just Ourselves/And Immortality,” the speaker identifies Death as a kind gentleman who will lead her through an inevitable doorway to eternity, a timeless journey of the spirit with no beginning or end (3, 4). The speaker identifies Death as someone she can trust enough to be alone with. I feel the speaker does not fear Death, for she seems quite comfortable with him and his kind, gentle presence when she states, “And I had put away/My labor and my leisure too/For His Civility” (6-8). Out of courtesy, the speaker seems to give Death her undivided attention while the journey is in motion as if he has something important to give her. The gift Death gives is yet to come.

Why is one not prepared to die? This life consists of many things that one can enjoy, and it is hard to leave it all behind. Knowing those things will be taken away makes one question why death is necessary. Dickinson opens up the reader’s mind to question these things; however, death does not come quickly for “We slowly drove—He knew no haste” (5). Because it is her last ride, she is not in a hurry and, more significantly, neither is Death. With his gentleness, Death makes the speaker feel at ease on her last journey through life. The unavoidable trip through time can be wonderful if one does not worry about preparing for it. Planning for something that is unpredictable is not always possible. There is an end, and the first step to accepting that end is allowing the ride with Death to be a pleasant one. Dickinson wants the reader to feel that satisfying joy the speaker seems to feel while she is being taken to her final resting place. I can almost see her smiling outside the window of the carriage in awe of what is happening to her.

Instead of the usual “Grim Reaper” who cuts life short, the speaker sees Death as a deliverer from this life to eternal life. The speaker is taken to places her life consisted of, such as:

the School, where Children strove
At Recess—in the Ring—
We passed the fields of Gazing Grain—
We passed the Setting Sun—
Or rather—He passed Us—. (9-13)

I interpret Dickinson’s use of “the Setting Sun” as a hint to the reader that the speaker is questioning her mortal existence at that moment (12). When the sun sets, it will be the end of the day and her mortality. There will no longer be children playing, and those things will no longer exist to her. The life the speaker will have in the grave will be where the sun passes over her completely. The speaker looks back and realizes that the sun setting happens over the grave wherein she lies when she states: “Or rather—He passed Us” (13). When Death carries life to its final destination, the sun is of no importance any longer. The soul is taken toward eternity, far beyond the reach of the sun. An individual with a realization that there is life beyond the grave can accept Death’s arriving in a chariot toward “Immortality,” beckoning the soul to come with him (4). Dickinson emphasizes Death as kind and trustworthy enough that one should accept his invitation to ride with him on the way to eternity. The idea that Death cuts life short, like the misunderstood “Grim Reaper,” is not what Dickinson wants to express to her reader. Dickinson wants the reader to understand that Death requests his or her presence at a place that is waiting for the arrival of souls who leave this world. That place is eternity.

The idea that there is life beyond this realm is what the speaker is trying to put across to the reader. The message the speaker stresses to the reader is that it is okay to question where this life leads to after death. As mortality passes, will there be eternity? Maybe the reason one is not always prepared to die is because he or she does not feel eternity exists. However, the speaker in this poem clearly believes in eternity when she states: “The Carriage held but just Ourselves/And Immortality” (3, 4). Eternity can be interpreted many ways, but most importantly that eternity exists to the speaker is vital to the understanding of Dickinson’s personification of Death as a welcomed guest. Death is inevitable, and there is nothing one can do to prevent it from happening. Dickinson brings life to Death in order to explain that what he offers is an entrance to happiness that is incomprehensible. Death is not something to fear. The eternal perspective Dickinson strongly expresses in this poem makes a profound impact on the reader’s view of how Death can be considered a friend. She specifically uses the word kind to suggest that kindness is usually shown amongst friends and loved ones. Those who are considerate toward others tend to gain their trust, and I think that is the statement Dickinson is making about Death.

As the speaker is departing, the reader is given information pertaining to her garments. It states: “For only Gossamer, my Gown/My Tippet—only Tulle” (15, 16). Dickinson describes burial clothing, a thin, veil-like material with long sleeves hanging from the shoulders, to give the reader the foreshadowing of the speaker’s arrival to the grave. The importance of the statement, “The Dews drew quivering and chill,” is that it explains that the speaker is just now realizing that she is dressed for burial and that her ride in the carriage is drawing to a close (14).

The speaker describes the grave, upon arrival, as “a House that seemed/A Swelling of the Ground” (17, 18). The speaker never actually calls it a grave, but continues to describe the top as “scarcely visible/The Cornice—in the Ground” (19, 20) to give the reader the opportunity to visualize the probability that it is indeed a grave. The mention that she arrives at “a House” that is “of the Ground” implies that she will be living in the ground to wait for the soul to reach eternity. The speaker is at her destination and looks back “’tis Centuries” later to realize the journey “Feels shorter than the Day/I first surmised the Horses’ Heads/Were toward Eternity” (21-24). The speaker recognizes Death lasts only a short time in comparison to an infinite realm where she now lives.In conclusion, Death may seem like something to fear; however, Dickinson propounds that he is someone to welcome because he takes the soul on a journey leading toward the heavens. Society may view Death as an uninvited visitor, but it is clear in Dickinson’s “712” that the speaker personifies Death as a welcomed guest leading her through an inevitable doorway to eternity, a timeless journey of the spirit with no beginning or end.

Yet Another Quote to Inspire

I found another great quote to reflect on.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." - Martha Washington

Amazing quote. It is so true that we choose to be happy, and we also choose to be miserable. It's all about choice and the way we view our surroundings. I'm sure most of you have heard the saying, "Attitude is everything." It is simply stated, yet very true. I bet most people go through life thinking that the reason they are the way they are is because of the way someone treated them. Well, maybe not most people, but I can't help but think that a large amount of people feel that way. Which, to me is really sad. I'm sure I've thought that way at least once or twice in my life. However, I try to steer far from thinking that way. It's only making an excuse for your behavior. I find it difficult not to care what other people think of me, however, I've learned to care more about what I think of me. I have to live with myself, now don't I? So why not choose to be happy? Life really is short, as cliche as that sounds, so I'm not going to waste it by being miserable or putting the blame on others for choosing that.

Quotes That Inspire

I tend to read quotes on a daily basis. Every year my mom gives my brothers and me a calendar for Christmas. It's been a tradition since I can remember. Well, for the past two Christmas' she's given me a calendar of quotes. I love it. It has a quote for each day. I guess I'll just reflect on one of those quotes.

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time." -Anna Freud

It's amazing how little we know ourselves until something triggers what's deep inside of us forcing who we are to show itself. This quote is very true. I find it hard to discover, when I'm looking elsewhere, the strength to endure through something difficult at the time. It's usually when I least expect it, for that strength to show itself completely out of nowhere. It's then I realized that it had been there all along. Sometimes it takes a struggle to bring out the best in us. I find that if I rely on faith that I will overcome anything, then my weaknesses will become strengths to help me endure through my hardships. I guess I just have to be willing to take that leap. It will never be easy, but it's worth it. Another quote I go by is this: "Life is hard if you live it easy, but easy if you live it hard." -Anonymous

A New Day Has Come

It's amazing how much our lives are influenced by responsibility, circumstances beyond our control, and the little miracles that take place. I find myself contemplating the past circumstances beyond my control that has sparked little miracles to happen in my life. Of course, at the time those things I can't control are in no way thought of as something I enjoy; however, the results that follow make it less difficult to endure through.

In my first journal, I told how I had to quit school and work for a while. Well, it always seemed there was something keeping me from going back. Whether it was finances, my own fears, or a combination of the two I don't know. What I do know is that I wasn't progressing in life like I wanted. I wasn't working toward something. I was just surviving. That's all I could do at the time.

As you know, I've been in school since I've worked at UAB. However, it's different this time. This time it's going to be new to me. I'm finally a junior. I made it past sophomore status. I was a sophomore for 5+ years. That's my little miracle. All of the insecurities or circumstances that held me back I have overcome. I remember telling myself that if I just took that giant leap (going back to school), I would be unstoppable. As difficult as it has been to work full time while going to school, I have kept good grades and have finally surpassed sophomore status. It's a great accomplishment. Now it seems the light at the end of the tunnel is closer than my first foot in the door toward a new tomorrow. It was dark and almost non-existent. Not anymore.

A new day has come. I can do anything. I can get past the things that hold me back. I know that when that wonderful day comes where I will receive my degree, I will look back on the very beginning and be proud to say, "I did it when I could have given up!" So, there you have it. There are little miracles after all.

Introducing Me

I thought the first blog should consist of introductions.

My name is Sarah. I live in Birmingham, Alabama and go to The University of Alabama at Birmingham. I'm majoring in Graphic Design working toward my BFA degree. There are many reasons I have chosen my major. It took seven changes before I finally figured it out, but who's counting? Ha ha. One of the main reasons, which I think is the most important, is that I love art. It's my passion. I find myself doodling all the time. I've been in a couple art classes and have definitely found a calm reassurance that I've chosen the right path for my career.

I guess I'll take you back about 7 years or so on how I got to where I am today. It's a good story, I believe, so sit back and enjoy.

When I graduated high school, I got a softball scholarship and immediately found myself in college. I was 19 years old, supposedly fearless and ready to face the college world. I had no idea what I was doing. It was exciting. Most importantly for me, it was now my time to answer to myself rather than dealing with the constant supervision of my mother. I ended up doing really well, considering most freshman have to adjust. I did have a lot on my plate, so when one event caused a crash, it changed my world forever. I tore my ACL. I had to have surgery right away because I was determined to get back to the usual playing softball and keeping my dream alive. However, when it was more difficult than I had anticipated, it felt like my life was over. I had to learn to walk all over again. Although I had more time to spend concentrating on my studies, I thought softball was everything. I was crushed. I didn't go back to that school the next year. Instead, I ended up going a semester at a community college, taking a few classes to keep up with the college life. It didn't take long for me to realize I needed a change.

I bought a one-way ticket to Las Vegas, which is my hometown. I was born and raised there, so that's all I knew until the age of 16. When I was 16, Alabama became my home. At first, I thought it would be a great opportunity to start over. Little did I realize that Alabama left an emptiness in me that to this day hasn't returned. It took the part of me that didn't care what people thought, my sense of adventure, determination, even confidence. I adjusted to what I had to adjust to, but always felt like Vegas was more my home. So, I found a way to get back to Vegas. I was 21 years old, didn't have a job, a car, or much money to live off of. But, I did have a place to live. It took me almost a year to find a decent job that would pay rent. It was humiliating though, because it was at McDonald's. I felt like I my accomplishments thus far were no longer valid. I had to do what I had to do to survive, but sometimes survival takes a lot out of a person. I still hadn't recovered what was lost when I first left Vegas. I rode a hand-me-down bike back and forth to work, and could barely feed myself. I ended up getting a sales job that made life even harder. I thought it would be a great opportunity to make good money. I never took into account the hard work that went into it. I traveled a minimum of 25 miles a day, on bike, in order to make appointments. I'm not sure if you've ever been to Vegas, but it was in the middle of July, hot as cookies right out the oven. I don't know how I made it, but with the determination I had to survive it wasn't hard to keep the focus. Plus, it was a great work out.

I could continue to give great detail as to how that all turned out, but I'll keep that part a mystery for now. I'll just tell you the end results. My hard work paid off. I ended up selling $3,500 worth of merchandise in less than a month while on my bike. They called me Wheels. I left there feeling accomplished again, feeling confident again. After winning an interview for a state job working for WIC (Women, Infants, and Children), I finally found stability. It was a great job that I struggled with at first, but came up on top after two years. After awhile, my need to change once again had creeped in. I realized that I was ready to move on, and needed to finish what I started. I needed to go back to school. The schools in Vegas left much to be desired, so I did the only thing that made sense. I moved back to Alabama. Well, it only made sense because I have family there. It's good to have family around when you're struggling. However, it's even better to have family around period. I missed them and needed them more than I ever thought I could.

Now I'm to the present. I am 27 years old, and definitely a bit more prepared than when I was a 19 year old freshman. I struggled a little bit when I first got to Alabama. I became a little depressed having to come back to a place I never felt at peace with myself. I was struggling to find a job to help me get back to school, and I really hated living with my parents again. I had the wrong attitude. For some reason, Alabama brings out the worse in me. Maybe it's the idle, laid back feel of the environment. It may always remain a mystery as to the effects Alabama has on me. All I know is I needed something to help me get out from under my parents. I needed to become stable again. I was able to find something that would help me with my goals. I landed a temporary job with UAB. It was only two months into the temporary job, when my supervisor wanted to hire me. I have been working for UAB for over three years now, going to school practically free. It's almost surreal to think about not too long ago, I was riding my bike in order to pay rent. And now, I'm living on my own, driving a car that's mine, going to school, and working toward a degree I really enjoy. I'm only able to go to school part time, but at least I'm doing something I could spend a lifetime doing. As far as finding what I first lost when I was 16, it still remains hidden; however, I'll continue to search for that part of me. I will continue to move on as I always do to survive. Life's too short to worry all the time about the past and what I should have done. I guess I've just come to accept that there's some things you can't change right away, but at least you're striving to change them. It's the effort in the act that just might cause a metamorphosis of accomplishment.

That's my story in a nut shell. Stayed tune for future entries of my babblings.