A Gift Worth Giving

"When I give, I give myself." - Walt Whitman

I find that I do that too often. I give, give, give until there's nothing else left to give, until I break. I break into a million pieces and all I have to show for is those pieces that are left on the ground, scattered for all to stomp on. I'll continue to be that way though. I'd rather be too kind than cruel. Unfortunately, there are some things one must do in order to avoid being something they're not. I don't want to be some bitter person always afraid to trust and always afraid of what people will do to them. I still want to have that attitude that sees the good in people, no matter what their life has given them the moment I've met them. I want to wake up and know I've done nothing wrong to anybody and that I tried. I tried daily to be my best and my best is always good enough for me. It should also be good enough for whomever I've touched that day. I know we have the ability to touch lives for good or bad and I seriously hope my giving nature can give nothing but good things. I strive to be that for someone. I strive to give a stranger an uplifting simple smile that they weren't expecting. In return, I hope the simple things like a child's laughter can make me smile and feel humble to the beauty there is in something that simple. It is the small, simple things in life that can make the difference and that is what I pay attention to.

Just a few thoughts I've had this morning. Not sure why the mood change, but there it is. I'm hopeful my heart has an overabundance of love to give, so much that even when I'm in a bad mood it will shine through. I still try to keep an open mind and an optimistic heart even when I don't want to. I am human after all.

Does loving unconditionally exist?

What does loving unconditionally even mean? How can you say you love me if you can't accept me? I can't share my life unconditionally with you because you don't want to hear it. "It's a choice you've made," you say. I am so sick of hearing, "Being gay is a choice." It is not a choice, nor has it EVER been a choice. It is WHO I AM and I was born this way. Genetically speaking, some of my cousins, my uncle, and my own brother is GAY. It is not a choice.

If you're straight and think being gay is a choice, let me ask you something?

When did you realize you were straight? Did you ever make the concrete decision to be straight? Do you wake up every day and have to make the decision to step out the door and only be attracted to the opposite sex? Silly, right?

With the ongoing fight that is fought every minute of every day by an individual that is gay, why would we choose to be ridiculed, spit on, bullied? Why would I choose to be something that causes my family to question who I am? My heart has taken a beating by finally accepting who I am. However, it is the best non-choice I have made. This choice was not to be gay, rather I have chosen to be me.

I am gay (a lesbian). I have not been open about it for very long. I have only had one girlfriend, but that lasted three years. In that three years, I've been out with my parents and co-workers, but was pretty much sheltered in that relationship from the outside gay communities that are out there. More or less, my gf didn't live a very open life when it came to her sexuality. She rarely showed any affection to me in public. I didn't have any friends that were gay, and I had not attended any of the pride events. Honestly, it still felt like I was in the closet on so many different levels. It wasn't until I became single that I was really out of the closet. I am finally free to go to LGBT events. I am able to be friends with others just like me. Most importantly, I can be me.

I have found that in the LGBT community, I have finally felt what it is like to be loved without judgement. They are going through the same things I'm going through, so they know ridicule. They know what it's like for their parents to give them the looks of disappointment and disapproval. They understand that the love their parents feel for them is conditional. It truly is conditional. Whether they care to admit it or not, they are picking and choosing what to love and not love about you. By doing so, they are putting a limit to their love. They may not see it that way, but I can't help but feel it to be true. So, is there really such a thing as unconditional love? I don't know. I'm not sure I believe there is.

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little? for all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn." - Sylvia Plath